Monday, 20 December 2004, 0:42:03 EST
Life decisions are extremely tough to make. I suppose that is why they are called "life decisions." If they were as easy as figuring out where to go for lunch then what would be their point? If the results of the decision didn't impact you in some profound way then it wouldn't be much of a decision now would it?
Recently, I was presented with a path that would affect my life quite profoundly. At the end of the path is something I have wanted for a long long time. The problem is that the path does not lead to a sure destination. If everything were to work out optimally the destination would be sweet; it wouldn't be the land of milk and honey (not that I like either) but it would certainly be better in a lot of ways. But it wouldn't come without cost. The path would take me far away from what I know and hold dear.
For the first time ever I feel really good about school. I feel like I can actually graduate. I am actually looking forward to classes. I still need to apply myself better to the task but I have already improved so much that I am like a completely different student.
I have realized that I am a grown ass man and that I need to start playing the part. Piddling around isn't going to cut it any more. I have to make a decision and I have to stick with it. Whatever decision I make will have to take me somewhere and be able to sustain me and any desires or responsibilites I may have. I can't try for something that may not happen or, even if it does, not last and keep me in the same place. I have to decide on what has the greatest chance of advancing me. I don't think the recently revealed path can do that. I don't think I have the will power to make it do that. I sincerely hope that the path will re-materialize a couple of years down the road so that I can consider it again. Once I have completed my current goal, graduating, I will be able to make such a decision much more easily.
Maybe now I can get to sleep.